One of the hardest things I've needed to do to be healthy is to leave my relationship with my narcissistic boyfriend/friend. I got involved with him over a period of three years and was madly and deeply in love. To me, he was handsome and dynamic and I looked up to him in every way. I wasted most my time trying to be near him. I ached for him when we were apart, but it ached when he was near too. Friends told me when they could see me falling for him that he was not a good man. I didn't listen - I was hooked.
I didn't understand that he was a sadistic narcissist until we became intimate. I just felt in constant pain over things he said, did and did not do. He could hurt me deeply.
Narcissists are difficult to understand because they can be so dynamic and charismatic, but their need to feed their emptiness takes a huge toll on their partners. Narcissists have no empathy and cannot be reasoned with. They do not understand your feelings and do not care. They can cut you off in a heartbeat if you do not follow the protocol of praising them like a mentor or a God. They know how to keep you locked in even when they cut you off. When I told my ex-boyfriend that I needed space because it hurt me to see him after we broke up, he immediately found out where I was hanging out and decided to go there when I was there. He always made sure to connect just enough to play a sadistic game of seduction and denial. He thrived on my reaching out and left just enough crumbs to keep me around.
There were so many crazy things he did that I didn't understand. He could rip my heart out and be terribly cruel over something most couples work out in the beginning stages of a relationship, then act as though his cruelty never happened and sit right next to me with a smile as though we were good friends the very next day. He could say intensely biting things that destroyed my inner strength and then act like I was overreacting or misinterpreting him. He accused me of doing things I did not do or behaving in ways that were untrue. He had no relationship to my feelings nor his actions that made me upset. Instead, he held me responsible for things not working out claiming that I was overly jealous or insecure because of my past experiences. He humiliated me and brought me to an all time low. I doubted myself constantly and suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. His sadistic behavior was subtle at times but very effective in destroying my sense of self.
It took me a year to pull away and I am still trying to keep my distance. I have needed to let go of our common hang out spots and let go of our common friends. I have had to come to terms with starting over and dealing with the loneliness and heartache without the support of the people we knew in common because he is so skilled at hiding who he really is.
Getting out of the abuse cycle was hard. I wanted to die many times and missed his kind side and our friends. He reached out in friendship and pulled me in in order to punish me if I got close. He kept me around to fulfill his sense of superiority. I was some one he could make feel small. I stopped seeing him on my own but have been able stay away because I found the group Adults Survivors of Child Abuse. Through this group I came to realize that my father was a narcissist and that many of my relationships have had a similar pattern. It took a little while for me to open up and to feel comfortable listening to and sharing heartbreaking stories, but going has given me the strength to stay away from this cycle.
No one gets tangled deeply in an abusive relationship by accident. If you are obsessed with trying to figure out, excuse, forgive or analyze your partners abusive behavior, you are wasting your time. You cannot change a narcissist. Understanding and loving yourself needs to become your first priority. You have to work on you. If you are in an abusive relationship you have to leave.
For more information on ASCA meetings you can go to http://www.ascasupport.org/
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Stay Well
Peace and Charity
